As Cinderella, Dorothy, and the cast of Sex and the City can attest, a pair of shoes can make or break an outfit. Last week I performed an inspection of a high end shoe designer's corporate office, where a pair of sneakers sells for $400 a pop. It was very exciting because I had a chance to check out the behind-the-scenes showroom as well as meet the man behind the brand himself! Our conversation consisted of "So, what's going on here?" and "Okay, bye". But still, kinda cool, right? No? Okay, fine then. Also, nobody thought to generously gift me a pair of shoes as a thank you either. Hmph. I guess that's what happens when everybody in fashion is female or gay, and there's nobody for me to sweet talk. I was a tad disappointed to say the least, but c'est la vie!
Where my fairy godmother at?
I have to wear closed-toe shoes on inspections. These would count, no?
Photo credits: Cinderella, Anne Taintor, The Wizard of Oz
A while ago I performed a mold inspection at the home of what I suppose you could call a D-list celebrity, who's job title includes the word "magic". Guess what the person does for a living, I'll even be generous and give you two chances:
Unfortunately you'd be incorrect guessing Channing Tatum back during his Chippendale days :-/
That's more like it, a magician!
I am rarely given an apartment resident's name prior to an inspection, but for whatever reason I was provided with a name on this particular occasion. I had thought nothing of it given that the name is rather common, although it became quite evident upon arrival that I was indeed inside the home of the famous-ish magician himself. He was not present at the time of inspection, but his foreign model baby momma who looked younger than me was. The classiest part of the apartment was a large epic oil painting of the magician hanging upside down from some telephone wires with New York's skyscrapers far below in the distance. The painting pictured him calmly struggling inside of a buckled straightjacket while four scary devils creeped along the wires towards him. It was fabulous. If only I had asked for the artist's name so that I could commission a similarly epic Mold Girl painting. I have the perfect spot to hang it! *le sigh* If only.
I had wanted to image search "epic devil oil paintings" for this picture, but I was afraid of all the creepy things I'd find. So here's what I came up with after googling "magician art": The Magician by Alexandre Evariste Fragonard. #Culture
And now I will wrap up this post with a song that I was introduced to in 1999 by the soundtrack to Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Enjoy.
This is a continuation of a previous post, if you have not read the original Hey You Look Familiar, now is a perfect time!
Okay, done? Great!
As previously mentioned, I find it more than a bit disconcerting as to how often I'm told that I remind random strangers of someone they know. This goes for both regular people and celebrities. Just wondering, does this happen frequently to anyone else? I mean I know I'm a total babe, but I wouldn't say that I've achieved a hawtness level equivalent to a combination of eleven (and counting) gorgeous celebrities...yet. :P Kidding, geesh! I'm not thatconceited. I generally consider my looks as equivalent to not requiring a paper bag as a "face accessory". And I've never come across someone in which I think to myself, "Damn, I just found my sister from another mister!", especially when it comes to celebrities. But if we've learned anything from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, it's that you should always trust public opinion. So here's a thought - what's the money like for celebrity impersonators? High end faux trust fund baby escorts? Paper bag face accessory models?
Anywho, here's part deux of my celebrity doppelganger list: My BAMF Doppelganger:
Hilary Swank - I kickbox and zumba, pretty much same thing as Million Dollar Baby, no?
My "Can you repeat the name?", "I'm sorry, what was that?", and "Okay, one more time" Doppelganger:
Ally Sheedy aka the weird chick in The Breakfast Club
My We-have-the-Same-Haircut Doppelganger:
Alexa Chung - yeah girl, I feel you, my hair's always a hot mess too
My Ginger Doppelganger:
Amy Adams
And last but not least, my YOU ARE TOTALLY PERSONALITY TWINS AND YOU LOOK LIKE HER TOO Doppelganger:
Caroline, aka Beth Behrs, from Two Broke Girls
I'd say that at least six people have told me that I behave *exactly* like Caroline from Two Broke Girls, minus the whole I-used-to-be-a-trust-fund-baby thing (I wish!). Since hearing these comments, it was my duty to myself as well as my plethora of doppelgangers to give the show a whirl. I watched a handful of episodes from season one, and while I do think the show has its moment, it unfortunately seems a bit dated to me - Two Broke Girls is like a mix of old school slapstick comedy and a severely nineties sitcom (not to mention it's actually called 2 Broke Girls, not Two Broke Girls, but I refuse to use a number as a title). The show is clever, but also relies on a lot of tired clichés and stereotypes. Although to be fair, I'd say my own humor probably could sometimes be described as recycled and tired (hopefully minus the whole racism thing, HELLO Han Lee!). So I guess my point is, I do see some similarities between myself and Caroline, and that I think to enjoy Two Broke Girls, you need to pretend that you're watching a theater piece written by some old college friend who liked Family Guy a little bit too much and just appreciate the effort.
I will admit that Caroline and I both have similar bubbly and enthusiastic personalities and share an I-don't-have-a-sense-of-dignity approach to life. Additionally, I think that Caroline is the first girl I'd call if I needed a rat situation handled!
Uh oh, Heather Graham! Breaking news: Bathroom candles spark blazing fire in Heather Graham's Manhattan penthouse. Guess who's been in that exact penthouse? And for that matter, that exact bathtub?? Mmhmm. Answer is me. Unfortunately I did not have a chance to take a candlelit bath during my visit. And very fortunately I did not set any fires either. I had no idea Zach Braff lived in the same building. I'm hoping that the sprinklers went off and caused a whole bunch of water damage so that Heather's "people" will have to bring me back. Who knows, maybe I'll end up reenacting some Scrubs scenes with Zach and Heather!
I cannot tell you how many aspiring actors/singers/musicians/dancers/artists/writers you meet in New York City (especially on OKCupid) all attempting to hit it big in the Big Apple. Countless talented (and "talented") people pour their hearts and souls into making their dreams become reality. Sadly only a very, very small dedicated and lucky few are able to make it. Except for me. Been there, done that, took some pictures, and I'm over it. Ladies and gentlemen, this mold girl has been on Broadway. No effort necessary. I guess you could say I've just got that pure, raw, je ne sais quoi talent about me.
Kind of like Harvard Law, landing on Broadway is supposed to be hard or something?
Okay well to be a tad more realistic, I was on a Broadway stage, although the only person watching me was the building engineer Dino (what up, Dino!). Arriving at this assignment I was in a SUPER BAD MOOD. I was crazy busy at work, it was freezing, and I believe it was right before the Thanksgiving holiday. Additionally, I had imagined the theater to be some sort of off, off, off Broadway situation where you pay three bucks on a Sunday afternoon to see a depressingly horrible community improv show (I've unfortunately been there, done that too). Anywho, it turned out I was investigating the real deal. I hung out on stage, back stage, in the dressing rooms, in the lighting area, went inside the air handlers, and even was so lucky as to scale the scary as fuck roof (I'm sure you're all most envious of the last two). The theater's production posters hung in the dressing room corridor. Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, the guy from Fraiser who isn't Kelsey Grammar, and other familiar faces stood out at me. Inspecting the roof was particularly fun. To access the air intake unit, Dino and I had to climb up on a thin metal beam about 6 feet off the ground, and literally hug one another in order to open the intake access panel. Let's just say things got pretttttttttyyyy intimate (Dino, why haven't you called?!).
Don't tell my boss, but afterward the theater manager gave me two free tickets to the show! Once there, he showed my friend and I into the VIP area for free wine, and came over to chat us up not once, but three times. Yeah, mold inspecting is kind of a big deal. I'm basically a B+ list celebrity. :p
You never know, I may even do car commercials in Japan ;)
Hello all! I need to make a departure from the world of mold to share an exciting announcement for all the fashion lovers, business lovers, earth lovers, and plain ol' lovers out there! I am involved with a super fun sustainable business club that puts on fascinating events throughout the year. On THURSDAY JANUARY 17THat 6:30 PM my club will be hosting a panel discussion called:
Sustainable Fashion: Timeless or Trendy?
(One guess as to who came up with that brilliant name)
The event will be a panel discussion followed by a boozy reception where you can network with the speakers, each other, and most importantly, me! The speakers are serious fashion VIPs. Trust me, you won't want to miss this (see list below). Additionally, up-and-coming eco-friendly designers will showcase their newest looks at the reception. You will find my fine self stuffing my face at the hors d'oeuvres table. The cost of this amazing experience is $25 for students(/poor young people) (let's just say a student ID is not required... ;) of course being an upright citizen I would never suggest that any of you lie... because I obviously would never even dream of paying the student price myself...) and you must register online ahead of time. Do that NOWby clicking HERE. The event will take place on the 23rd floor of Rockefeller Plaza. Speakers include:
MODERATOR
•Christa Dowling, Global Cultural Advisor and Journalist, Author, Former Editor-in -Chief, Conde Nast/Vogue, Germany (whaaattttt, yeah we got Vogue involved. NBD, we're just that good)
PANELISTS
• Yael Aflalo, Founder and CEO, Reformation (designs from repurposed fabrics) (umm, hello super sexi lingerie) www.thereformation.com
• Sass Brown, Acting Assistant Dean School of Art and Design, FIT, Author (a super smart professor from one of the country's best fashion schools? check!) www.ecofashiontalk.com
• Raz Godelnik,Adjunct Professor at CUNY, the New School, and
University of Delaware; Founder, Hemper Jeans, an eco-fashion jeans
company using hemp (another smarty pants designer!) www.hemperjeans.com
• Catherine Tyc, Filmmaker (working on sustainable fashion documentary) (who wants to see this with me opening night??) http://swapthemovie.wordpress.com/
EXCLUSIVE RECEPTION EXTRA:
Fashion Alley: an exciting showcase of up and coming sustainable brands
Our illustratious panel of eco fashion innovators will discuss fashion’s
negative environmental impact and new sustainable approaches to
materials, production, recycling and toxic waste.
Gain insight into the challenges of designing eco- fashion and promoting
it to mainstream fashionistas. How do you convince designers,
manufacturers, retailers and consumers that eco-friendly fashion can
also be chic and trendy?
I may be mistaken, but I feel like I find myself in the following situation much more than the average person, and I'm not quite sure what to think of it. When meeting new people, I'm told very frequently that I remind them of someone they know. This happens an unusual number of times. Like any good Scorpio, I want to stand out as a unique individual. I hate being lumped together with some generic crowd. Do I look average? Is there nothing special about my personality? Am I the non-celebrity version of the world's most ambiguous cute girl ever, Ashley Greene?
Seriously, every time I see a picture of this girl, I'm like, who is that?!? Once I've exhausted all other options I tell myself, oh yeah, must be Ashley Greene.
Because the nature of my job involves meeting new people on a daily basis, I'm frequently told that I look like such and such celebrity. Not to brag about how gorgeous I am (my looks speak for themselves, thank you very much!) but I've been told I resemble the following list of celebs on more than a few occasions. I personally don't feel I bear a striking resemblance to any of them (or any regular people that I've met either!) but I guess you'll have to imagine the unstoppable combination of the following ladiez for yourself:
My comeback queen doppelgänger:
Sandra Bullock
My super spy doppelgänger:
Jennifer Garner
My Jewish doppelgänger:
Lea Michelle
My elfish doppelgänger:
Liv Tyler
My completely random doppelgänger:
Jerry Seinfeld's wife, Jessica Seinfeld! Uhhh, what? Okay...
And before we get to my last but far from least celeb doppelgänger, I need to share a quick story. One day while running an errand for my boss, a car on 24th Street started causing a racket. The three men inside were shouting and honking the car's horn. At first I thought it was simply typical street harassment and I ignored them. The men continued to yell in a manner that made it appear they were speaking with somebody they knew, so I assumed they spotted a friend on the street. As I walk up 6th Avenue, the car turns and follows me. The men are still yelling. This makes me go back to my original thinking, and I'm miffed at the behavior of these obnoxious men. On my way back to the office I needed to make a pitstop at Duane Reade. As I made my purchase and exited the store, I was none too pleased to find the men waiting for me outside holding a camera. At this point I'm like, YOU NEED TO BACK AWAY NOW!! The men laughed after they saw my face up close. Apparently they had thought I was this actress:
Anne Hathaway
Yup, no biggie, I'm just twinsies with one of the most gorgeous celebrities out there. Actually maybe Anne, or Annie, as her close personal friends like me call her, is shadowing ME to prepare for her next Oscar worthy performance in the upcoming drama, Memoirs of a Mold Girl. Think about that! :D
(PS, this is no joke, two summers ago, some alleged Hollywoodpeople visited my office one day. My CEO claimed they were doing some research for a film that would be staring Mark Ruffalo and Gwenyth Paltrow. I swear, that happened. Not lying. It was a serious WTF moment. But really, what kind of movie could you make about an environmental consulting firm? Confessions of an Asbestos Inspector? How Stella got her Health Back? Eat Pray Lead? Hmm, now I really want to know what happened with that...)
There's been quite a hubbub in NYC the past week in anticipation for the U.N. General Assembly which kicked off its 67th session today. Last week I saw these three men walking around Hunter College dressed as the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. If you can't tell from the photo, there were two normal Ahmadinejad clones, and a scary third clone with a head-to-body size ratio gone awry. As somebody who gets most of her news from Jezebel, I'm not exactly the most up to date person on non-feminist and non-popculture political happenings. I guess this group, known as #UNwelcome was protesting the U.S.'s agreement to let President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad through its borders and appear at the U.N. According to this article in the Guardian, Ahmadinejad arrived in New York with an entourage of over 100 people. You gotta admit, the man at least knows how to make an entrance!
I spend a significant amount of my time performing air tests for the ultra wealthy. Most of the time I have no idea who lives in the apartment or what they do, but it's clear that they're a hot shot in some sort of industry. Every once in a while the "hot shot" happens to be in the entertainment industry. I performed an air test for a (minor) celebrity that may or may not have been in the following films:
The Spy Who Shagged Me? Try, The Spy Who Stole My Heart With Those Dance Moves
No comment necessary--this one came pre-captioned!
Needless to say, I was a bit surprised when I knocked on the door to the apartment and found myself face-to-face with this actress. Also home? Her almost completely naked, highly attractive boyfriend. Tenant: 1 Mold Girl: 0.
At one point in the inspection I needed a ladder so that I could inspect an area of the ceiling. The actress helped me get a ladder from her storage closet. While awkwardly maneuvering the contraption around, my arm accidentally grazed her boob. OMGGGG! I've touched a low-level celebrity's boob!!! hehehehehehehehe. That portion of my arm hasn't been washed since.
Oh and PS, I was walking around after a mold job last week and spotted Hoda (from such morning television programs as the Today Show's Kathie Lee &) hopping on the Hamptons Jitney. Yay for D-list celebrity sightings!
Holla at me Hoda!
Photo Credits: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, The Hangover, The Today Show: Kathie Lee and Hoda
Literally. No words. I've now seen this guy twice during my midday travels. He performs a surprisingly impressive magic routine on a moving subway without uttering a word. His act even involves a LIVE rabbit and bird! I feel bad for the animals, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't mesmerized by his routine (and his sexi bod, obvi). Check it out for yourself.
Most of my inspections include private residences, although every once in a while I am hired to investigate an office. I recently stepped into a building and knew immediately I was somewhere cool. The walls of the chic, brightly lit office were covered with cartoon characters, ranging from comic book super heroes to Mario to anime. I found myself standing in the midst of a video game company (it was a learning video game company, not as cool as originally thought, but still). As I worked, two employees peppered me with questions about life as a mold inspector. They were fascinated by my job. Towards the end of our conversation, the man asked me for my card. I swear the guy wasn’t hitting on me—apparently the company is working on a science video game. HOW COOL WOULD IT BE TO BE MADE INTO A VIDEO GAME CHARACTER!!!!! Even if it is just a learning video game. Whatevs. Hopefully the guy emails me. Keeping my fingers crossed on this one!
I imagine my character would be something like a combination of Quailman and Lara Croft
