Halloween

Halloween is the best holiday. My birthday is two days afterward (*bro chin nod* what up All Souls Day!) and growing up, I always claimed Halloween as the theme of my birthday parties.

So you know how ugly Christmas sweater soirées have become all the rage the past few years? Well sadly, I do not own any ugly Christmas sweaters. What I DO own is an ugly Halloween sweater! I had completely forgotten about this until my mom randomly brought it up, but a misguided relative once gave me the sweater picture below as a gift when I was 14. Can you imagine any 14 year old wanting to wear this? Fuck no. Back then I was mortified by the very idea. But can you imagine any 24 year old wanting to wear this (ironically, duh!)? FUCK YES! I dug up the old sweater from  my parent's basement and have been sporting it proudly at work the past two weeks. I am the epitome of professionalism. Check it out

THE SWEATER!

The beaded spider! (I took this picture later in the day while wearing the sweater, so that's actually also a close up of my boob. hehe)

And the worst, I mean best, I mean worst part -  the fringe!

To add to my ridiculousness, one of my coworkers brought me a gift for my outfit. She had been out costume shopping for her kids (insert joke from Big D about how immature I am here) and stumbled across a pair of spider web earrings. She couldn't resist buying them for me. The earrings and sweater combined = no words, just pure perfection. 

Matching spider web earrings LIKE A BOSS

In the spirit of Halloween, I would like to inform you all that this year I am going to be a ballerina (a slutty ballerina, obvs)! Please enjoy the inspiration and cuteness of dogs in ballerina costumes below. Happy Halloween!!

Ready for Anything

If only my tool set looked more like this

Last month I became a New York State certified asbestos inspector. Exciting stuff, right? Well let me tell you something even more exciting; on Friday I became the proud owner of my own personal set of asbestos sampling tools. With the help of Big D, I went on a bit of a shopping spree at the hardware store. The last thing on my list is a new backpack in which to carry all of this. I wanted to get something super cute and/or douchey, but Big D told me I should always buy the cheapest, ugliest stuff because "everything you just bought will eventually be stolen or lost without a doubt". Hmph, just let anyone try to steal from me. I kickbox and will take on anyone! (...said the girl who can barely do a set of push ups...). Then again, I have a shorter attention span than a goldfish, so I probably will lose everything within five minutes.

Regardless, watch out world! Here comes Mold (and Asbestos!) Girl wielding a box cutter and hammer! Seriously though, watch out.

Thanks for Sharing

L O EFFING L YOU GUYS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

I spent the day out and about town running errands and working (at my other non-mold related side gig). While waiting for an appointment, I casually perused a copy of Entertainment Weekly when I spotted a movie review for something with Mark Ruffalo and Gwyneth Paltrow. A light bulb went off in the back of my brain. A faint memory came back to me from when I had first started working at my company (I once referenced it here as well). One day my boss, a calculating, shyster kind of guy, announced to the office, "Uhh yeah, so today a few movie people will be in the office to take some pictures. They're doing background research for a film about an environmental consulting firm starring Mark Ruffalo and Gwyneth Paltrow."

Proof that environmental consultants are the sexiest sort of people

 After this announcement everyone in the office shared confused glances silently asking, is this guy for real?? You know what, apparently he was! So the movie isn't specifically about an environmental consulting firm, but Mark Ruffalo plays an environmental consultant! Close enough, right? The movie is actually about sex addicts... Hmmm, maybe the movie people were also doing research for that aspect of the film when they came to observe our office... Interesting, that would actually explain a lot...

Anyway, even though the movie was totally panned in reviews, I must watch Thanks for Sharing to see how much I personally inspired the direction of the film. ;) Seriously, not to brag or anything, but I can't tell you the number of times I've been told that I should have my own show. I'm sure it'd get better reviews than a 61% on Rotten Tomatoes. Until that day comes, please enjoy the trailer below!

Photo credits: Thanks for Sharing

Ready for Anything

White collar pansy on top, serious down and dirty badass on bottom

In the not too distant future, I will perform oversight management at construction sites. As a safety precaution, all workers on site, including myself, must wear reinforced toe boots. Don't want anyone's little toe-sies getting injured. My supervisor, who is one of the most overly cautious people I know, prefers non steel-toed because apparently you can get electrocuted if you step on the wrong wire. Or something. But hey, rather be safe than sorry. 

After spending a considerable time googling reinforced toe boots, I came to realize that almost all are hideous. Most look like really ugly hiking boots. I was not having that. After careful research, I finally found high top desert storm-esque army boots online and knew they were to be mine. 

This morning I channeled my inner soldier - my mission: obtain said army boots, priority level: high. I promised myself I'd finally get these boots (my boss has been nagging me for weeks) or die trying. I therefore found myself in an army surplus store receiving strange looks from everyone inside. I guess they don't get many young ladies wearing fancy silk shirts and pale pink python boat shoes in there... Anyway, mission accomplished! Check. Me. The fluff. Outtttttttt! 

Gotta love a (wo)man in uniform

Oh and P.S., obviously I had to do a fashion show for everyone in the office once I returned. I think they all were really intimidated and impressed (especially Big D, his eye roll was just a cover up). Best part is, I get to expense these boots. Holla!

Hey D, Just Another Day on the Job

I have a friend and former coworker who shall be known as D. D is a tattooed and burly Russian from outer Brooklyn. At first glance he can seem a tad scary. And second glance too. Third glance is when his big fluffy heart is finally revealed. D has a handful of years on me, and likes to act as my pseudo big brother - I'm told constantly that I'm not "professional" or that something isn't "safe" or "don't do that". He can be kind of a Debbie Downer. But boy certainly has a knack for witty banter. I love all of our heated discussions which somehow end up on the topic of feminism without fail. I particularly enjoy my ability to exasperate him, although to be honest, he probably exasperates me more. 

I always imagined D as a Paul Bunyan type - like Pauly B, D frequently sports a plaid shirt, and isn't lacking in the body hair department either. I'm sure he also wouldn't embarrass himself too badly in a duel against Dracula. 

D loves to give advice. As one of my many therapists, his trademark counsel is as follows:

"MG, I want you to stare at the mirror and give yourself a good, hard look in the eyes. Now repeat this mantra until it finally works, 'shut the fuck up'."

So thaaat's all I need to do. Thanks, Doctor D.

Are we ready for the ink blot tests yet?

As a Russian Jew from Brooklyn, D grew up surrounded by a lot of girls who could arguably be called JAPs. He has a hard time understanding the difference between a JAP, aka a Jewish American Princess, and a young, awesome, smart, hilarious female Jew with a great sense of style and some standards. I personally do not use the term "JAP", I prefer the more general phrase Basic Bitch. No, I do not call my father "daddy". No, I do not require at a minimum of two hours to get ready in the morning. No, my parents do not support me. No, I do not go gallivanting around the local mall decked out in Ugg boots, a Louis Vuitton handbag, a revealing Abercrombie & Fitch top, and a matching Tiffany's necklace, bracelet, earrings combo set. 

Imagine this scenario, just brown hair

There, that's better - it's Gretchen Wiener!

To put the whole JAP thing to rest once and for all, I will demonstrate a situation that I recently found myself in -  a situation where no Basic Bitch would EVER step foot. Last week a management company informed me before an inspection that I would be investigating a hoarder situation. I hate hoarders, they're gross and creepy, but it's usually not too big of a deal. Been there, done that, nothing I haven't seen before. Upon arrival at the site, a building maintenance worker says to me, "You know the deal with this apartment, right?". I said I was aware that it was a hoarding situation and he responded, "It's a bit more than that. You'll see". Coooooooooolllll.

Apparently the story is this: an old man had been living in the studio apartment for the past fifty years. In addition to the hoarding problem, he never cleaned the place. Not once. The building management had to forcibly remove the resident so that maintenance workers could remove the piles and piles of clothing and other items that had covered every free inch of space.

Horrifyingly, but not unexpectantly, the workers discovered an insect infestation in the bed. An exterminator was called in, and the exterminator provided a list of every type of insect he had found living in the apartment. The list could fill the pages of a novel. Underneath the bed had at one point been a throw rug. The throw rug today? It was 100 percent eaten and decomposed by insects. No joke. The carpet is now pure dust.This was probably the most disgusting apartment I've ever been in. And that truly is saying something. In your face, D?

The emptied studio apartment

How does a random part of your wall get THIS dirty??

I am not fucking kidding, this massive pile of a sawdust looking material was ONCE A CARPET. This is what a 50 year long insect infestation looks like.

Classy fabric wallpaper looking not so classy now.

The kitchen. Let's hope this wouldn't count as a "C" on NYC's controversial restaurant grading system.

The fridge. No words.

And the Grand Finale

Photo credits: http://wingedboar.net, Blitzcadet, Daria, Barbie, Mean Girls

Do we need a Meeting with HR?

My company is far from the most politically correct of organizations. This being my first big girl job out of college, my feminist self was shocked at the rather serious amount of sexism that pervades the office arena. Here I was thinking that had all died with the seventies. Unfortunately not. For instance, a colleague repeatedly told me when I first started working here, to stop flirting with all my clients. Umm, excuse me? This is how I talk. This is what friendliness and cordiality look like, asshat. We had to have several sit down conversations about what is and is not okay to say to me. Problem has been (mostly) solved.  

I can show you what it looks like when I'm NOT friendly. And trust me, you won't mistake that for flirting!

This isn't to say that I am the pinnacle of professionalism. I'm probably the most inappropriate and obnoxious person at my office. I tell myself I'm obnoxious in a totally adorable way? The other day a package came for a coworker. I accept all packages and mail, (the UPS, FedEx, and USPS guys are totally my BFFs). Printed on the box was the phrase, "miscellaneous toys". I couldn't let that one pass without making a completely inappropriate announcement to the office. Apparently inside was a figurine of some Mets player. Allegedly. Although I think that actually might be the more embarrassing package of the two options!

"Due to anonymous complaints, we are required by law to host a sensitivity seminar at the office"

A friend/colleague called me out and said I was a total asshole in response to accidentally humiliating the "miscellaneous toys" guy. He also sent me the following picture:

Amirite?

At the office whenever my friends (or, let's be honest, mostly me) say something inappropriate, the typical response is, "do we need to have a meeting with HR?". Well joke's on you, suckers, we don't have an HR department! No sensitivity training for me! :)

 TGIF BITCHEZZZ 

I am told this literally every day

Photo Credits: someecards, Division of Labor, The Office