Have a Groty Moldy Christmas

That snowman be stach-ed. Stachybotrys-ed that is. 

Gotta love I Fucking Love Science. They posted a pic of this snowman which is made entirely of various mold cultures. According to the caption, the hat, eyes, mouth, and buttons are Aspergillus niger; the arms are Aspergillus nidulans; the nose is Aspergillus terreus and Penicillium marneffei; and the body is Neosartorya. I'm not familiar with the last one, but Aspergillus/Penicillium species are particular favorites of mine (yeah I've got favorite varieties). 

And on that note, moldy Christmas to all and to all a Ganoderma night.

Photo credits: I Fucking Love Science 

The Number One Rule

The number one rule of my job: don't die. 

That rule just got a whole lot harder for me to follow after completing a scaffolding safety class last Wednesday evening. I'm using the word "safety" lightly here because the course was a disaster. The instructor was just terrible. He rushed through the material and erratically bounced around the topics so that you couldn't follow a thing he said. He also wasn't the brightest bulb - he couldn't multiply 1.5 x 3 (he thought it was 7) and clearly did not know how to use Google. I'm not sure I want to entrust my safety education in the hands of someone like that...

Anyway, I put my safety certification to use the very next day. I was asked to perform some asbestos sampling on the exterior facade of a building. By exterior facade, I mean that we took the elevator to the twelfth floor where the building tapered off for the top four floors. A small perimeter of rooftop space surrounded the smalled-down portion of the building in which scaffolding had been erected all the way to the roof. Walking up four flights of scaffolding is certainly a different experience than learning about it. I'm not really afraid of heights, but I am afraid of tripping and tumbling down four flights of steep, metal stairs. Oy vey. Scary stuff! Nevertheless, I held my head up high and acted like I did this on the reg. *snap snap snap!* #LeanIn #BreakingThatGlassCeiling #GurlPower

Yup, I stood on the top of this structure

Here is a view of the side of the building from the top of the scaffolding

Andddd here's another view out towards the street. Number two rule: don't look down!

Hey mom, so what do you think of my new certification??

Thanks for Sharing

L O EFFING L YOU GUYS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

I spent the day out and about town running errands and working (at my other non-mold related side gig). While waiting for an appointment, I casually perused a copy of Entertainment Weekly when I spotted a movie review for something with Mark Ruffalo and Gwyneth Paltrow. A light bulb went off in the back of my brain. A faint memory came back to me from when I had first started working at my company (I once referenced it here as well). One day my boss, a calculating, shyster kind of guy, announced to the office, "Uhh yeah, so today a few movie people will be in the office to take some pictures. They're doing background research for a film about an environmental consulting firm starring Mark Ruffalo and Gwyneth Paltrow."

Proof that environmental consultants are the sexiest sort of people

 After this announcement everyone in the office shared confused glances silently asking, is this guy for real?? You know what, apparently he was! So the movie isn't specifically about an environmental consulting firm, but Mark Ruffalo plays an environmental consultant! Close enough, right? The movie is actually about sex addicts... Hmmm, maybe the movie people were also doing research for that aspect of the film when they came to observe our office... Interesting, that would actually explain a lot...

Anyway, even though the movie was totally panned in reviews, I must watch Thanks for Sharing to see how much I personally inspired the direction of the film. ;) Seriously, not to brag or anything, but I can't tell you the number of times I've been told that I should have my own show. I'm sure it'd get better reviews than a 61% on Rotten Tomatoes. Until that day comes, please enjoy the trailer below!

Photo credits: Thanks for Sharing

It's Too Hot for this BS

As I type, the weather in NYC is 94 degrees Fahrenheit (that's 34 Celsius for all the non-American readers out there) with a humidity level around 50%. Blerghhhhhh. So not fun. Especially when all your travel is done via public transportation and your own two hooves. 

Fun fact! Did you know you could buy nail polish, excuse me, hoof polish for horses?!? Now you do :)

To add to the frustrations inherent with this terrible weather, today I had the pleasure of inspecting a hoarder's apartment. My favorite! The air conditioning was not in use at the time of inspection. The resident expressed concern regarding mold growth inside her a/c unit. In response to my question as to when she stopped using the air conditioner, she responded, "Oh I haven't used the HVAC system [Heating, Ventilation, Air Conditioning] in the ten years I've lived here". 

Hold up! What?!?!????? It's true. Apparently she has not turned on her a/c unit once over the past ten summers, nor has she turned on the heat during NYC's chilly winters. 

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! Step right up! Let me please introduce the world's biggest, strangest, and craziest masochist! 

Allegedly she doesn't turn it on for fear of mold growth?...despite there never actually being a  known leak? IDK, no explanation for this one. Below is a sampling of today's inspection:

This is the "after" picture of the apartment after the resident had been forced to clean. I'm not kidding. Glad I wasn't there for the "before" photo.

The building's maintenance people had to flip her couch on its side in order to do some repair work back in 2009. They neglected to move the couch back afterwards, and I guess so did the resident! Maybe she liked that it opened up some floor space...

This is only a small sampling of her can/bottle collection

I thought these were wadded up tissues or cotton balls. I tried not to look too hard. But no. The building manager whispered to me afterward, "did you see all of those used panty liners??". WHAT DA FUCK?!???? ***shudderrrrr***

I don't think I'll feel clean until I bathe both myself and today's outfit in acid. 

Can somebody please tell me why it always seems to be that the people with the most, shall we say fringe lifestyles are the people most vehemently concerned about mold?

Photo credits: horsegroomingsupplies.com

A South Bronx Tale

Laws of Nature 101: Throwing a bunch of random strangers into a shared space will result in individuals selectively grouping themselves together, usually according to a social hierarchy.

Janis Ian knows what's up: "Where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial because you got everybody there. You got your Freshmen, ROTC Guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Asian Nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Black Hotties, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don't Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually Active Band Geeks, The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet, and The Worst. Beware of The Plastics."

In the office environment, every company has it's own A-list clique. I hope that it goes without saying that I am a member of my own office's most exclusive group. We're made up of four saucy ladies:

MG: Me. Dis bitch has got swag pumping out her ovaries. 

D: The "mother" of the group. She's lived her whole life bouncing around one NYC project to another. D knows EVERYTHING about everything so you better pay attention to her advice.

B: The Puerto Rican fashionista. She's super hot and always comes dressed to impress.

T: Hails from Africa. Her BFF is Nelson Mandela's step-daughter. Not joking. Lady is an amazing dancer and is my personal inspiration and definition of the word "diva".

I am very happy that my work rarely brings me to NYC's less savory neighborhoods such as the South Bronx or Brownsville. Whenever I do have to make an appearance in these sorts of neighborhoods, I like to schedule my appointments in the morning. According to D, "You won't run into any trouble in the morning because that's when all these wannabe thugs are sleeping". Nice thinking! I've found that Brownsville and the South Bronx can actually be quite charming and peaceful at 10:30 am. While I have been in plenty of inappropriate, creepy, potentially not-so-good situations, I am thankful that I've never personally been in one that was truly scary.

This isn't true for most inspectors, including T. T recently found herself waiting for a superintendent outside of a building in the South Bronx. I guess the super was taking his sweet time arriving at the site, because T was forced to listen to a rather uncomfortable conversation as she waited. 

A man and a woman on the stoop next door loudly, without trying to hide the content of their conversation, negotiated the sale of a firearm. The woman wanted to kill her deadbeat husband and the man asked her what she was looking for regarding the type of gun, price, model, etc. Midway through their conversation, the woman stopped the negotiation to compliment T on her purse. They then turned back to one another and continued discussing gun prices. After the pair had finished their business dealings the woman said, "Thanks man. Now Imma 'bout to go get me some breakfast at the liquor store". It was 9 am.

You. Cannot. Make. This. Stuff. Up

Photo credits: Mean Girls

Subway Sightings: Where There's Always an (un)Willing Audience

Fun facts time! The New York City MTA includes:

• 468 Stations
• 21 Subway Lines + 3 Shuttle Trains
• 6,311 Individual Subway Cars (the number per subway train varies depending on the line)

As I'm sure you all are eager for more fascinating subway facts, have fun clicking HERE!

Any New Yorker can attest that the MTA is an integral part of our lives - I personally spend at least two hours a day riding the subway. And that's if I don't have any scheduled mold jobs. This  leads us to today's blog post which is dedicated to #3 on Buzzfeed's most recent NYC-themed viral article, "23 Signs You've Been Living in New York City Too Long": the subway performers. 

Thank god there is an unwritten rule for subway performers, "performers", peddlers, and beggars to lay off the harassment during the daily rush hour commute (it's way too crowded for that shit anyway). Non-rush hour daytime and evening trips are a whole other story. You are guaranteed at least one interruption per ride, usually more. Mind you, this is in addition to all of the performers in the subway stations themselves. Union Square for example is consistently host to at least three separate but simultaneous shows. 468 stations, 21 subway lines, and 6,311 cars certainly provide ample opportunity for hustling the masses. 

I've cried on the subway and I've vomited (twice) on the subway. I've also witnessed pretty much anything and everything on the subway - banjo, rap, cello, saw, bucket, magic, recorder, and Motown a capella performances to name a few - ranging from horrible to incredible. After recent events, I can now add to my list that I've been kissed by a (possibly homeless) stranger on the subway.

Last week, while riding the 2 train downtown from Harlem, a man seated on an amp graced my subway car with an extra long performance (its duration was approximately six stops) on his electric guitar. He was a rather lively man, receiving more than the standard amount of attention from an unusually receptive crowd. After several songs, the singer specifically singled me out and dedicated his own modified version of The Temptations' "My Girl" to "white girl in the grey coat". Lyrics went a little something like this:

I've got sunshine on the 2 train.
When it's cold outside I've got the month of May.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My white girl (white girl, white girl)
Talkin' 'bout my college educated white girl with the grey coat and pony tail...

Then he added in a bit of free style about me. I randomly remember something involving Jamaicans... Anyway, his next song was prefaced with, "If anybody can guess who sings this song, I'mma gonna kiss that white girl over there". Guess what, somebody correctly named the song's artist. And guess what else, he was not kidding. I quickly slapped my hands over my face as the man approached. I was shaking my head and saying no, no, that's okay, you really don't have to do this... Butttt, he did. Thankfully it was just the quickest and lightest of pecks on the back of my hand. Fortunately he seemed relatively clean and un-diseased, but regardless, I took a long, steaming shower the second I got home. 

I've just got all the luck

I will now leave you with another Buzzfeed article that is equally true of la vie quotidienne in this one of a kind crazy city, "48 Things You'll Only See in New York City". 

Photo credits: Pokemon

Street Spotting: Oh the Humanity

The advertisement on the side of the delivery truck pictured above almost caused a human pile-up during Midtown morning rush hour. While walking up Sixth Avenue at the tail end of my daily commute, I stopped in my tracks to do a double take at this truck. I had to verify that my peripheral vision was to be believed, and of course then take a picture once I had confirmation that my eyes were indeed working correctly.The whole incident resulted in causing four harried, sleep deprived people to run into me on that early Monday morning (sorry, my bad!). At least we now have proof - the king of class Ed Hardy has blessed the world with his own collection of wines. Intrigued and want to learn more? Good news! As any serious oenologist knows, a real website is not necessary to represent your brand, all you need is a solid Facebook page. The wine is described as:

Don Ed Hardy is known as "the godfather of modern tattoo" for his sophistication,  depth and sense of experimentation. A California native, Don Ed hardy is recognized around the world for his technical brilliance and mesmerizing imagery. Designer genius Chrisian Audigier has created a powerhouse lifestyle brand around the Ed Hardy images and now brings that brilliance to the palate of wine drinkers with a new line of wines from France adorned with the vibrant, rebellious images of the master tattoo artist.

Quick recap: Ed Hardy wine is for rEbElLiOu$ wine drinkers! No real information on the wines is actually provided... Well at least they're French, so they can't be bad, right?

I don't know how much faith we can put in the LA Times, although  the newspaper alleges that the guido-approved wine ain't half bad. (And apparently it's been around for a while? The article is dated 2009??)

All I know is that I don't even need to taste the Ed Hardy wine to know that it ain't got shit on the Hello Kitty wine that came out in 2010. Yes, of course I bought it. And yes, of course it was terrible. But look how cute it is!!!!!

Hello Kitty wine is the best shitty character wine ever, times a million, no comebacks. Take that, Ed Hardy 

Why am I not wherever this is??

Photo credits: Hello Kitty Wine, http://www.schemamag.ca/