Friday, March 1, 2013

No Sex and the City

I have a coworker. We will call him Silent Bob. Hey Bob!
Why is my coworker Silent Bob? Well, in the roughly 18 months that he has been employed with my company, below is a complete list of everything we know about Silent Bob:
  • He served in the military
  • He is a snappy dresser - he has the best sweater collection of any heterosexual man I know
  • He has a girlfriend, and the pair went to the Caribbean that one time
  • He LOVES the New York Knicks - the Knicks homepage is the only non-work related website we've ever seen him waste company time on. Also, one time he shot me a death stare when I mentioned a desire to catch a Brooklyn Nets game...
  • We used to be desk buddies although my coordinates on the office map have since changed. I was informed that he does not miss me. 
That's it. Boy does not talk.

...At least until recently. I have no idea how, but I have personally broken Silent Bob. In the past month, I've had at least four (albeit short) conversations with Silent Bob, some of which he even started! At my own expense, our new budding relationship has taught me another personal fact about my quiet comrade - SB has quite the sarcastic sense of humor.

My office employs a number of rather fashionable ladies. I care about and enjoy fashion, although for me, practicality, comfort, and my own personal bizarre tastes are usually prioritized over style. I evoke descriptions akin to "hot mess shit show" rather than "put together" or "au courant". I am a walk-aholic and therefore sneakers play an important part in my life. Silent Bob had shamed me for wearing holes into my everyday pair of sneaks. I consulted a couple of coworkers during a recent quest to find a new pair. To our surprise, Silent Bob joined the conversation on his own accord. I had always thought Asics  were now and forever classically cool. Apparently not - "they were cool... like three years ago". *Okay, now I can never wear a certain pair of shoes to the office ever again!* While showing off various potential options to my colleagues, SB makes a statement regarding a pair of shoes, "Yeah, you can't work those". Okay, well, umm, thank you for the honesty? (Side note! I did end up getting new sneakers! Two pairs to be precise - and Silent Bob was appalled at how they became "dirtier in two weeks than the pair he's had for five years". 
MG's sneaker collection - stains and dirt and all! Excuse me SB, sorry I don't oxiclean my laces and obsessively Mr. Clean Magic Erase the soles like you.
I will admit that I do have a small obsession with one aspect of fashion - lingerie. All of my female friends are well aware than I could moonlight as a sales rep for one of my favorite companies, True & Co. Periodically I order items from the website. As every New Yorker in a non-doorman building knows, you must have all packages delivered to your office if you ever want to actually, you know, receive them. Today I accepted such a package from True & Co and was immediately asked about its contents by Silent Bob. After informing him that it probably wouldn't interest his fashion senses, he quickly and correctly guessed the purchase. All my ladiez and I quickly retreated to a corner of the office to quietly ogle the lacy prettiness. At one point Silent Bob ambles on over and asks, "Come on MG, who you got to impress?"
My response: "...ummmm, me?"
SB's face
My second response: "...ummmm, I'm optimistic?"
SB again
My third response: "Okay, fine! Nobody!"
SB: "Exactly."

Ouch, Silent Bob. Well I guess that's one way to keep me grounded.

Despite the fact that there's nobody except for yours truly to appreciate any of my new acquisitions, I guess I can seek the infinite wisdom of Carrie Bradshaw when NYC and a lackluster social life gets a girl down:
Designer shoes
Carrie may favor Manolo Blahniks, but I recently picked myself up a pair of Prabal Gurungs from Barney's. Okay, fine. Just kidding, they're from Target. You happy, Silent Bob?? Damn, why you always gotta bring me down like that?!
Eat your heart out SB
Photo credits: Clerks, Sex and the City, Tyra

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