Sunday, April 21, 2013


Appurtenance |əˈpərtn-əns|
noun (usu. appurtenances)
An accessory or other item associated with a particular activity or style of living: all the appurtenances of luxurious travel.
ORIGIN Middle English: from Old French apertenance, based on late Latin appertinere ‘belong to’ (see appertain).
A teal crushed velvet scrunchie is an excellent appurtenance to jazz up any outfit
Why did I just post the definition of "appurtenance" (other than to, you know, contribute to expanding society's vocabulary via a beloved reminiscence of the Word of the Day from third grade English class. Now, go use it in a sentence!)? Anyway, I was recently assigned to do a mold inspection of a building in downtown Manhattan in the midst of a large legal battle. My company had been given several documents outlining various problems with the property. Along with a lot of other bizarre terms and out of place references, the building owner had used the word "appurtenances" instead of "accessories" in one of the documents to describe a component of the building. I love a good two-dollar word as much as the next person, but something in the documents was throwing me off. People frequently ask me if I've ever seen any "really scary mold" situations. My response is always that the mold is never the scary part, it's the people. The use of the word "appurtenance" should have told me that this whole situation was only going to go downhill from there. 

The job was at an absolutely disgusting building, but came with an even more disgusting property manager. I can barely even go into the details because they're just too stupid, so I'll stick to the highlights reel. That day it was pouring, the weather and the streets were a mess. I arrived to the site twenty minutes late (which in my book doesn't even count as late) but from the way the guy reacted, you'd think I had showed up four hours late, drunk, and missing half my equipment. 
If only.

He showed me around the building for a half hour or so and repeatedly said things like, "I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but...", "I've been in this business a long time, so I know what I'm talking about", and "I've never seen a girl at a job site before". Okay Mr. Genius of the Universe, if you're so smart and perfect and prompt, oh, and a man, why don't you do the mold test yourself? You seem to clearly know what you're talking about. Obviously as a girl, it's much too complicated for me. *Eye. Roll.*

The building manager had set up an appointment with other people at the same time as my investigation. So of course as soon as they arrived, I was completely ignored so the real men could finally get down to business. Thank the lord! I could finally do my job in peace!
I normally don't wear a respirator on the job, most places I go are in very good shape. Unfortunately this building was so disgusting that I seriously considered burning my outfit afterward.
Technically the building had been a "family friendly" pizzeria. At least according to a sign that had been left behind
But apparently, the third floor had also been home to a secret brothel
If only the building manager had kept all his "tips" to himself!
Photo credits: Moulin Rouge, Futurama,, The Simpsons

1 comment:

  1. Hysterical, Mold Girl. And what a fun writer you are! (Although I'm just a man, so whadda I know? Ha!)

    Some of my readers would probably enjoy your style and web log as well. (We have similar blogs - the original type that chronicles events in an unusual field - not trying to sell products or promote ourselves as paid blog experts, which so many blogs are today.)

    If you'd like to tap into my readers, about 150,000 to date, I invite you to do so. Just leave a comment on any post and I'll let it through. Your link will automatically show up, as mine has done here.

    I must say you're the very first Mold Inspector I've ever run across. Ha! But you're also a writer, and I hope you're having fun with your blog.