Tuesday, August 28, 2012

We're Not in Manhattan Anymore... Part Two

This entry is a two-parter, so if you haven't read Part One yet, please do so. 

Walking into the house, my eyes were immediately assaulted by an overwhelming amount of tchotchkes. I was surrounded by an extensive collection of frilly things that only a certain kind of old lady could love, as well as enough plants and pillows to fill a jungle-themed housewares store. I felt as if I had walked into Dolores Umbridge's office in Harry Potter.
No joke, this would have been an improvement
TDee showed me around the house, indicating which rooms he wanted tested. In many, it was actually impossible to move more than a few feet (or inches!!) without knocking into something. Afterward I was left alone to do my thing. Let me describe the house room by room...

Mother's Room: A decrepit, blind dalmatian was lying on the bed. Normally I am a huge dog person, I love dogs and dogs love me. Even the dogs that "normally don't like anybody!" like me. No, not this time. This dog was satanic. It barked nonstop while I was in the mother's room. It was the only time in my life I was scared of a dog, thinking it might actually bite me. I was shocked that nobody came into the room to see what was going on. 
Maybe the dog was bitter it had to hang out in this creepy house all day?
Sun Room: Not only was the sun room jam packed with plants and pillows, it was home to three parrots. One of the parrots was so, SO scary. It kept yelling "helllllooo!" and "umbrella!" at me, in the most robotic, steely, frightening voice. I'm pretty sure a robot giant squid from outer space with a tentacle wrapped around my body, dragging me down to the pits of Hell would have a similar, but slightly less horrifying voice. I am still haunted. 

TDee told me that the parrots had originally been his. Apparently his first ex-wife couldn't stand the birds either and gave TDee an ultimatum--either the birds had to go or she would. TDee laughed during the retelling, "I should have kept the birds!". Me: "...uhhh...heh, heh...wow". 
I would take ten Gilbert Godfrieds before I'd be willing to go near those parrots again
The garage, the basement, & the upstairs bedroom: words cannot do justice to the these rooms. These, as well as several others, were brimming with "art". Here's a general idea of what was going on:
Upstairs Bedroom
Basement with an alien hanging by a noose as a fun accent piece
I'm sure all legitimate "art dealers" treat their "art" in such a manner. *SMH*

These pictures only represent the tip of the iceberg. I have a lot more on my computer, and could easily have taken even more during the inspection. I'm guessing the house held at least ~5,000 pieces of "art". It was just everywhere. 

Oh, and one added bonus picture! The basement bathroom:
Not sure why the toilet was removed, but they left a lovely hole in its place!
The worst part about this inspection? Hopefully you agree that normal people do NOT live like this, but the people who were home (which included mom, TDee, TDum, TDum's wifey and spawn, and then one or two other random people)? NOBODY SEEMED TO ACT LIKE THERE WAS ANYTHING STRANGE ABOUT THE HOUSE!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT THIS SITUATION WAS OKAY?!?!

Despite the strong strain of lunacy that runs through my family, sometimes I am super thankful that my family is insane, in a good way!

Photo credits: Aladdin, Harry Potter

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