You Say Tomato, I Say Thank You!

*Shudder* Macy's

Herald Square is the worst. I always thought Time Square was the worst, but I actually think Herald Square has it beat. I have no idea what the statistics are, but simply from personal experience, Herald Square may be the single most crowded area in Manhattan. First of all, there's Macy's (ewww). Don't ask me why people are attracted to that store, but apparently they are. Secondly, everybody and their mother works in Chelsea/Midtown West. I can't tell you the number of times I've run into somebody I know on the street in this hood (I actually like it when that happens, so no complaints there). And lastly but most importantly, the place is SUH-WARMING with tourists. 

Shit basically be like this, all day, er'ry day.

I need to make a PSA to all visitors of NYC: Attention! Midtown Manhattan is the absolute most boring, least fun part of NYC. Please do not waste your time walking around an area where there is literally nothing to do. The area's attractions are limited to tchotchke shops, severely mediocre and/or overpriced restaurants, and massive clothing chains found at every American mall.That's it. No need to visit.

"But it's special because it's in New York!". No, it's just got higher sales tax.

One thing that I do appreciate about this area is that Broadway plays host to a small green market every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday directly outside my office. Last Friday I was buying some plums and blueberries before work and fell into conversation with one of the market's vendors. As I was saying my goodbye, he gave me a free tomato! Yay! Nothing like the kindness of strangers and free vegetables to brighten your day :)

Science has shown that free tomatoes make you less ambivalent towards crowds. Although science has also shown that said free tomatoes increase the odds of you throwing them at crowds...

Photo credits: http://sportsnetny.tumblr.com

Alochol + Chocolate - Not just for Seducing Anymore

QUESTION: How do you get a group of random people (particularly women), all with varying backgrounds, ages, preferences, and tastes, who are forced to work with one another and who frequently and not-so-secretly trash talk each other, to forget their differences for an evening and act like they're be BFF4L?

ANSWER: By plying them with copious amounts of chocolate and alcohol, of course!

I've already booked this year's office holiday party at Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory

As anyone who knows me personally is aware, I take food scarily seriously, especially when it comes to cocktails and dessert. "Mom, what's the point of blowing all of my savings on rent in NYC if I DON'T try out a new bakery/bar every day?? I'd actually be wasting my money more if I didn't go out!"

So regarding the combined worlds of chocolate and booze, I feel fairly confident that I know my way around a chocolate martini or two. Yes, yes, everybody's heard of the tourist death trap Max Brenner. Let's just say their chocolate martinis are about the only thing on that menu worth a trip to that overpriced mall-quality restaurant. I'm a huge addict of The Chocolate Room (so is Oprah!), but obviously nobody from a midtown office is going to show up at an après work happy hour hang out sesh out in Brooklyn. Much more conveniently located is of course Ayza; the food is tasty but the atmosphere is too claustrophobic and pretentious for my tastes. So where does that leave us?

Amirite, ladiez?!?

I recently became aware that a personal favorite chocolate shop/cafe now serves alcohol! Woohoo! This store is particularly near and dear to my heart - growing up in rural New Hampshire, my family was close friends with the owners of a fabulous little store called L.A. Burdick Chocolates. The business has since expanded outside of The Granite State and has additional locations in Boston, Cambridge, and NYC's Flatiron District! The atmosphere is quintessentially French, with a menu of Madeleines, chocolate croissants, and rich chocolate mousse cake, among other things. They also sell handmade chocolates and truffles, and are particularly known for their chocolate mice!

Très adorable!

I recently assembled a group of colleagues for a classy night of indulging at Burdick's. The evening resulted in a pleasant night had by all. Even my 60+ year old supervisor stayed out past 9 pm! I don't know about you, but that's what I call a party. I think it goes without saying that a round of chocolate martinis was ordered immediately. For all the choco-haters out there, don't worry, there are drinks for you too. They serve beer, okay?! (I'm talking to you Porkchop). In addition to my martini, I partook in the summer seasonal menu and ordered a rhubarb spritzer. Delicious. I need to go back asap! Please be jealous of the following two photos:

Spiked hot coco and coconut cake with homemade whipped cream :)

Sorry people, I was a total dodo and didn't take any more closeup shots of our beverages. Below is a group shot that I awkwardly cropped!

Left to right: chocolate martini, chocolate martini, water, rhubarb spritzer (clear with straw), water, and red thing (I totally don't remember what that was...but it was good!)

And to close this post as I often do, please enjoy something totally random and weird I found on the internet while composing this entry: a vintage postcard from the suffragettes movement. Note the luxurious snack of choice in the smoky woman cave while the poor husband is laboring away in the kitchen sans said snack.

Apparently bonding over chocolate is our version of male bonding over sports. And trash talking the opposite gender. Obvi.

Oh and this. Okay, ciao, ciao mes biches!

At least it's a better option that "stick an aspirin between your legs". I demand free chocolate in all sex education classrooms immediately!

Photo credits: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (original version, duh), http://www.popartuk.com

A South Bronx Tale

Laws of Nature 101: Throwing a bunch of random strangers into a shared space will result in individuals selectively grouping themselves together, usually according to a social hierarchy.

Janis Ian knows what's up: "Where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial because you got everybody there. You got your Freshmen, ROTC Guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Asian Nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Black Hotties, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don't Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually Active Band Geeks, The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet, and The Worst. Beware of The Plastics."

In the office environment, every company has it's own A-list clique. I hope that it goes without saying that I am a member of my own office's most exclusive group. We're made up of four saucy ladies:

MG: Me. Dis bitch has got swag pumping out her ovaries. 

D: The "mother" of the group. She's lived her whole life bouncing around one NYC project to another. D knows EVERYTHING about everything so you better pay attention to her advice.

B: The Puerto Rican fashionista. She's super hot and always comes dressed to impress.

T: Hails from Africa. Her BFF is Nelson Mandela's step-daughter. Not joking. Lady is an amazing dancer and is my personal inspiration and definition of the word "diva".

I am very happy that my work rarely brings me to NYC's less savory neighborhoods such as the South Bronx or Brownsville. Whenever I do have to make an appearance in these sorts of neighborhoods, I like to schedule my appointments in the morning. According to D, "You won't run into any trouble in the morning because that's when all these wannabe thugs are sleeping". Nice thinking! I've found that Brownsville and the South Bronx can actually be quite charming and peaceful at 10:30 am. While I have been in plenty of inappropriate, creepy, potentially not-so-good situations, I am thankful that I've never personally been in one that was truly scary.

This isn't true for most inspectors, including T. T recently found herself waiting for a superintendent outside of a building in the South Bronx. I guess the super was taking his sweet time arriving at the site, because T was forced to listen to a rather uncomfortable conversation as she waited. 

A man and a woman on the stoop next door loudly, without trying to hide the content of their conversation, negotiated the sale of a firearm. The woman wanted to kill her deadbeat husband and the man asked her what she was looking for regarding the type of gun, price, model, etc. Midway through their conversation, the woman stopped the negotiation to compliment T on her purse. They then turned back to one another and continued discussing gun prices. After the pair had finished their business dealings the woman said, "Thanks man. Now Imma 'bout to go get me some breakfast at the liquor store". It was 9 am.

You. Cannot. Make. This. Stuff. Up

Photo credits: Mean Girls

Sleeping Strangers

Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, damnit!

I don't know about you, but I don't particularly welcome the idea of a random stranger poking around my apartment while I sleep. I'm not weird, am I? I don't know, I guess we all must have different comfort thresholds for this, because it appears some people are A-okay with strangers rifling through their homes without feeling concerned enough to open their eyes. I've performed at least two or three inspections in which residents were not fully conscious. One time it happened when I was relatively new to the mold game; I was involved with some legal HPD thing (NYC Department of Housing Preservation & Development) in a low income housing development. I inspected the room of some sleeping teenage boy, in the dark!, while an HPD official and the kid's mom waited outside in the living room... Like seriously, what the fuck are you doing? It's 11 am on a Wednesday! Get your ass up! So, so awkward.

Last Friday I found myself in another slightly uncomfortable sleeping situation, but at least this one was a million times more legitimate. I was up in Riverdale performing an inspection for an extremely old woman. I guess she had recently been in some sort of accident and was having trouble moving, in addition to other more long term ailments. The woman greeted me, but just didn't have the energy to stay awake during the inspection. Thankfully I was not the only conscious body in the apartment, I had her friendly housekeeper for company. Before the lady had drifted off, I learned that she was super cool and friendly, and had an amazing terrace garden with the most spectacular view of Manhattan. We compared notes on our gardening likes and dislikes (I love deserts and have been working on growing my own cactus/succulents garden). I didn't want to be a total creep and take a million pictures of her garden, but check out these shots from her terrace. What a view!

So much green!

'Sup Manhattan

Boom! A section of my very own BADASS cactus garden! :)

Photo credits: WAFF-48 News, The Bed Intruder Song, Antoine Dodson

Neighborhood Watch: East Harlem

Last week I was scheduled to perform a mold inspection at a large building complex in East Harlem. Upon arrival, the management office called up a security guard to escort me to the sampling area. Below are three conversations discussed over the course of this inspection. Enjoy:

Security Guard: Hello, my name is [I forget...oops].

Mold Girl: Lovely to meet you! I am [my name].
We shake hands

SG: Wow, what a nice, strong handshake! 

MG: Haha, yeah, there's nothing worse than a limp handshake.

SG: Oh yes, I hate weak handshakes! Whenever somebody tries to give me a limp handshake, I just shoot the guy. Right then and there. Boom, just like that!

MG: ...Oh, wow. Ha, ha...

SG: Yeah, seriously! If I'm falling off a cliff and you have a weak handshake, I know you're not going to be able to save me! I weight 240 pounds easy, that ain't nothing to laugh at! I need to know you can hold on!

MG: Wow, yeah, I never thought of that...Good point!

And speaking of Obama...

I am doing the inspection and am writing down notes

SG: Oh you're left handed?

MG: Mmhmm, sure am! Are you?
SG: Oh yes. Lefties are the best!

MG: Yeah we're supposed to be more creative. And I believe four of the past five presidents were lefties too! ...Although unfortunately I think George Bush falls into that category...

SG: Ehh, there's a bad egg in every bunch. We'll just forget about him. So, Obama's a leftie!

MG: Yup and Bill Clinton.

SG: Awww yeah, Bill is a G. We should have a lefties party! You, me, Obama, and Billy C!

MG: Haha, great idea. Let's make Bill bring along his saxophone to really get the party started!

Left is Right!

As I finish up the inspection, we make our goodbyes...

I extend my hand for a handshake

SG: Oh no, you know how we do up in here! Let's hug it out!

SG opens his arms wide

MG: Uhhh, okay!

Epic hug ensues

In honor of Groundhog Day (happy Groundhog Day!), I will illustrate my hug with this scene from the 1993 classic movie. In this hug situation SG is Phil...

...And I'm Ned!

Despite my creepy description of this incident, the guy was actually very entertaining and funny (Mom, I swear he was totally harmless!) I enjoyed hanging out with him, I mean he kept things interesting to say the least. He even gave me a great recommendation for lunch - the local fish market with amazing $5 fried fish sandwiches. Who can say no to that? 

Major props to the Lenox Fish Market

Photo credits: sportstalkchicago.wordpress.com, The Simpsons, Groundhog Day 

PS, Here's another great awkward hug picture :)

Neighborhood Watch: Prospect Lefferts Gardens

Try saying that three times fast! Besides having an awkward name, the neighborhood of Prospect Lefferts Gardens is located in Brooklyn, near the southeast corner of Prospect Park. According to Wikipedia, the first settlers (you know, other than the Native Americans) were a Dutch family that arrived in 1660. Wow, fun fact! Thanks Mold Girl! You're welcome. In our modern times, the neighborhood is largely populated by people of Caribbean heritage. Not far from my job site was a local treasure, a Caribbean bake shop known as Allan's Bakery. 

Hey Allan's!

My colleague Porkchop and I obviously had to go in. You can't visit a new neighborhood without sampling the local bakery. Or at least I can't. My mother would slap me for even thinking about skipping such a crucial "learning" opportunity. I asked the guy at the counter for suggestions and ended up getting fried cod with sauteed onions, a coconut roll, a current roll, and a large slice of bread pudding. All of it was fabulous. And cost only $8.75. C'est incroyable! Porkchop  purchased the same buns and fish, as well as a beef patty and banana soda. Shockingly the soda was pretty good--made in Trinidad without high fructose corn syrup. That means it's healthy, right?

0% real banana. Just the way I like it!

I swear I didn't eat all of it in one sitting...just most of it. There's a difference! 

Moral of this story: If you are ever in the Prospect Lefferts Gardens neighborhood, you now know where to fulfill all of your baked goods needs. So go, otherwise my mother will slap you!