For all the Carrie Bradshaws Out There

As Cinderella, Dorothy, and the cast of Sex and the City can attest, a pair of shoes can make or break an outfit. Last week I performed an inspection of a high end shoe designer's corporate office, where a pair of sneakers sells for $400 a pop. It was very exciting because I had a chance to check out the behind-the-scenes showroom as well as meet the man behind the brand himself! Our conversation consisted of "So, what's going on here?" and "Okay, bye". But still, kinda cool, right? No? Okay, fine then. Also, nobody thought to generously gift me a pair of shoes as a thank you either. Hmph. I guess that's what happens when everybody in fashion is female or gay, and there's nobody for me to sweet talk. I was a tad disappointed to say the least, but c'est la vie!

Where my fairy godmother at?

I have to wear closed-toe shoes on inspections. These would count, no?

Photo credits: Cinderella, Anne Taintor, The Wizard of Oz

The Good Life

So I was just perusing my drafts of half written blog entries (sheesh there are a lot of them!) and came across the photos below. I totally forgot about this place! This was an inspection of a Park Avenue apartment on the Upper East Side. Its owners only spent about two weeks of the year at the place and decided to sell. I have been in my fair share of the One Percent's homes, but this place was huge. I think the apartment has at least double the space of my parent's entire house in upstate New York. The living room alone could easily  fit at least 6 copies of my bedroom inside. Word on the street informed me that the owners had purchased the place for a measly $10 mill but managed to pawn it off to its next owners for $18.5. Chump change if you ask me. Weirdly, the new owners purchased the place with all of the furnishings. Most people tend to want to do their own decorating, so that was a bit strange... But whatever, they'll probably only spend two weeks a year there as well, so why not just use the existing furniture? 

Anyway, the decorations were far from my own personal style (a bit flowery and stuffy if you ask me), but rather grand and impressive nonetheless. Below is a small sampling of what I saw:

Are those Fabergé Eggs? (Just kidding, I know they're not, but still)

I LOVE mirrored furniture. I am so totes jelly of this vanity desk!

This is what I call a princess staircase. Can you imagine picking up your prom date as she descends these stairs?? #romantical

No home is appropriately furnished without a stained glass biblical scene

The family crest?

More regal stained glass stuff. Does this remind anyone else vaguely of the crests for Ravenclaw and Griffindor?!?

You Say Tomato, I Say Thank You!

*Shudder* Macy's

Herald Square is the worst. I always thought Time Square was the worst, but I actually think Herald Square has it beat. I have no idea what the statistics are, but simply from personal experience, Herald Square may be the single most crowded area in Manhattan. First of all, there's Macy's (ewww). Don't ask me why people are attracted to that store, but apparently they are. Secondly, everybody and their mother works in Chelsea/Midtown West. I can't tell you the number of times I've run into somebody I know on the street in this hood (I actually like it when that happens, so no complaints there). And lastly but most importantly, the place is SUH-WARMING with tourists. 

Shit basically be like this, all day, er'ry day.

I need to make a PSA to all visitors of NYC: Attention! Midtown Manhattan is the absolute most boring, least fun part of NYC. Please do not waste your time walking around an area where there is literally nothing to do. The area's attractions are limited to tchotchke shops, severely mediocre and/or overpriced restaurants, and massive clothing chains found at every American mall.That's it. No need to visit.

"But it's special because it's in New York!". No, it's just got higher sales tax.

One thing that I do appreciate about this area is that Broadway plays host to a small green market every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday directly outside my office. Last Friday I was buying some plums and blueberries before work and fell into conversation with one of the market's vendors. As I was saying my goodbye, he gave me a free tomato! Yay! Nothing like the kindness of strangers and free vegetables to brighten your day :)

Science has shown that free tomatoes make you less ambivalent towards crowds. Although science has also shown that said free tomatoes increase the odds of you throwing them at crowds...

Photo credits: http://sportsnetny.tumblr.com

Alochol + Chocolate - Not just for Seducing Anymore

QUESTION: How do you get a group of random people (particularly women), all with varying backgrounds, ages, preferences, and tastes, who are forced to work with one another and who frequently and not-so-secretly trash talk each other, to forget their differences for an evening and act like they're be BFF4L?

ANSWER: By plying them with copious amounts of chocolate and alcohol, of course!

I've already booked this year's office holiday party at Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory

As anyone who knows me personally is aware, I take food scarily seriously, especially when it comes to cocktails and dessert. "Mom, what's the point of blowing all of my savings on rent in NYC if I DON'T try out a new bakery/bar every day?? I'd actually be wasting my money more if I didn't go out!"

So regarding the combined worlds of chocolate and booze, I feel fairly confident that I know my way around a chocolate martini or two. Yes, yes, everybody's heard of the tourist death trap Max Brenner. Let's just say their chocolate martinis are about the only thing on that menu worth a trip to that overpriced mall-quality restaurant. I'm a huge addict of The Chocolate Room (so is Oprah!), but obviously nobody from a midtown office is going to show up at an après work happy hour hang out sesh out in Brooklyn. Much more conveniently located is of course Ayza; the food is tasty but the atmosphere is too claustrophobic and pretentious for my tastes. So where does that leave us?

Amirite, ladiez?!?

I recently became aware that a personal favorite chocolate shop/cafe now serves alcohol! Woohoo! This store is particularly near and dear to my heart - growing up in rural New Hampshire, my family was close friends with the owners of a fabulous little store called L.A. Burdick Chocolates. The business has since expanded outside of The Granite State and has additional locations in Boston, Cambridge, and NYC's Flatiron District! The atmosphere is quintessentially French, with a menu of Madeleines, chocolate croissants, and rich chocolate mousse cake, among other things. They also sell handmade chocolates and truffles, and are particularly known for their chocolate mice!

Très adorable!

I recently assembled a group of colleagues for a classy night of indulging at Burdick's. The evening resulted in a pleasant night had by all. Even my 60+ year old supervisor stayed out past 9 pm! I don't know about you, but that's what I call a party. I think it goes without saying that a round of chocolate martinis was ordered immediately. For all the choco-haters out there, don't worry, there are drinks for you too. They serve beer, okay?! (I'm talking to you Porkchop). In addition to my martini, I partook in the summer seasonal menu and ordered a rhubarb spritzer. Delicious. I need to go back asap! Please be jealous of the following two photos:

Spiked hot coco and coconut cake with homemade whipped cream :)

Sorry people, I was a total dodo and didn't take any more closeup shots of our beverages. Below is a group shot that I awkwardly cropped!

Left to right: chocolate martini, chocolate martini, water, rhubarb spritzer (clear with straw), water, and red thing (I totally don't remember what that was...but it was good!)

And to close this post as I often do, please enjoy something totally random and weird I found on the internet while composing this entry: a vintage postcard from the suffragettes movement. Note the luxurious snack of choice in the smoky woman cave while the poor husband is laboring away in the kitchen sans said snack.

Apparently bonding over chocolate is our version of male bonding over sports. And trash talking the opposite gender. Obvi.

Oh and this. Okay, ciao, ciao mes biches!

At least it's a better option that "stick an aspirin between your legs". I demand free chocolate in all sex education classrooms immediately!

Photo credits: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (original version, duh), http://www.popartuk.com

Rude

Last week I performed an inspection at a very expensive Madison Avenue jewelry store. Even though most of the merchandise is pretty tacky, I "joked" that I would write whatever they wanted in the report in return for a bribe of some fancy jewelry. They laughed at my "joke" but did not take me up on my offer. Rude.

Marilyn knows what's up.

Photo credits: Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend

It's Too Hot for this BS

As I type, the weather in NYC is 94 degrees Fahrenheit (that's 34 Celsius for all the non-American readers out there) with a humidity level around 50%. Blerghhhhhh. So not fun. Especially when all your travel is done via public transportation and your own two hooves. 

Fun fact! Did you know you could buy nail polish, excuse me, hoof polish for horses?!? Now you do :)

To add to the frustrations inherent with this terrible weather, today I had the pleasure of inspecting a hoarder's apartment. My favorite! The air conditioning was not in use at the time of inspection. The resident expressed concern regarding mold growth inside her a/c unit. In response to my question as to when she stopped using the air conditioner, she responded, "Oh I haven't used the HVAC system [Heating, Ventilation, Air Conditioning] in the ten years I've lived here". 

Hold up! What?!?!????? It's true. Apparently she has not turned on her a/c unit once over the past ten summers, nor has she turned on the heat during NYC's chilly winters. 

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! Step right up! Let me please introduce the world's biggest, strangest, and craziest masochist! 

Allegedly she doesn't turn it on for fear of mold growth?...despite there never actually being a  known leak? IDK, no explanation for this one. Below is a sampling of today's inspection:

This is the "after" picture of the apartment after the resident had been forced to clean. I'm not kidding. Glad I wasn't there for the "before" photo.

The building's maintenance people had to flip her couch on its side in order to do some repair work back in 2009. They neglected to move the couch back afterwards, and I guess so did the resident! Maybe she liked that it opened up some floor space...

This is only a small sampling of her can/bottle collection

I thought these were wadded up tissues or cotton balls. I tried not to look too hard. But no. The building manager whispered to me afterward, "did you see all of those used panty liners??". WHAT DA FUCK?!???? ***shudderrrrr***

I don't think I'll feel clean until I bathe both myself and today's outfit in acid. 

Can somebody please tell me why it always seems to be that the people with the most, shall we say fringe lifestyles are the people most vehemently concerned about mold?

Photo credits: horsegroomingsupplies.com

A Sticky Situation

So, you have a shitton of hideous ACM (asbestos containing material) tile from the 1960s and want to renovate. What to do? Why not throw a carpet over it. While you're at it, use the strongest, most powerful industrial glue you can find. Decades later it will obviously be no big deal to remove this carpet and disturb the ACM tile like it ain't no thang. Holla at me mesothelioma!

Today I performed a mold inspection in the room pictured below. A very sticky, very strong carpet glue covered the tiles. Tile bits stuck to my feet with every step. If the situation didn't involve me, it probably would have been quite comical. Despite the fact that I was not properly prepared for an asbestos situation, my exposure was at least (I believe) minimal.  

What genius did this?? And why?!?

Might as well have walked through Dip à la Who Framed Roger Rabbit

"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way"

Following the inspection, I walked almost two miles (wanted to waste as much time as possible before heading back to the office) and my shoes are still gross and covered in glue. Looks like this isn't coming off any time soon.

On the bright side, aren't my socks adorable?

Photo credits: Who Framed Roger Rabbit

A South Bronx Tale

Laws of Nature 101: Throwing a bunch of random strangers into a shared space will result in individuals selectively grouping themselves together, usually according to a social hierarchy.

Janis Ian knows what's up: "Where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial because you got everybody there. You got your Freshmen, ROTC Guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Asian Nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Black Hotties, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don't Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually Active Band Geeks, The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet, and The Worst. Beware of The Plastics."

In the office environment, every company has it's own A-list clique. I hope that it goes without saying that I am a member of my own office's most exclusive group. We're made up of four saucy ladies:

MG: Me. Dis bitch has got swag pumping out her ovaries. 

D: The "mother" of the group. She's lived her whole life bouncing around one NYC project to another. D knows EVERYTHING about everything so you better pay attention to her advice.

B: The Puerto Rican fashionista. She's super hot and always comes dressed to impress.

T: Hails from Africa. Her BFF is Nelson Mandela's step-daughter. Not joking. Lady is an amazing dancer and is my personal inspiration and definition of the word "diva".

I am very happy that my work rarely brings me to NYC's less savory neighborhoods such as the South Bronx or Brownsville. Whenever I do have to make an appearance in these sorts of neighborhoods, I like to schedule my appointments in the morning. According to D, "You won't run into any trouble in the morning because that's when all these wannabe thugs are sleeping". Nice thinking! I've found that Brownsville and the South Bronx can actually be quite charming and peaceful at 10:30 am. While I have been in plenty of inappropriate, creepy, potentially not-so-good situations, I am thankful that I've never personally been in one that was truly scary.

This isn't true for most inspectors, including T. T recently found herself waiting for a superintendent outside of a building in the South Bronx. I guess the super was taking his sweet time arriving at the site, because T was forced to listen to a rather uncomfortable conversation as she waited. 

A man and a woman on the stoop next door loudly, without trying to hide the content of their conversation, negotiated the sale of a firearm. The woman wanted to kill her deadbeat husband and the man asked her what she was looking for regarding the type of gun, price, model, etc. Midway through their conversation, the woman stopped the negotiation to compliment T on her purse. They then turned back to one another and continued discussing gun prices. After the pair had finished their business dealings the woman said, "Thanks man. Now Imma 'bout to go get me some breakfast at the liquor store". It was 9 am.

You. Cannot. Make. This. Stuff. Up

Photo credits: Mean Girls

A Moldy Mystery Concluded... For Now

This post is the exciting conclusion to a previous entry. If you have not read the prequel, I highly suggest that you read it NOW.

In all seriousness, don't be that jerk who cheats and skips to the end of the mystery. It's no fun hanging around you when you're acting all smug and smart, "It's soooo obvious what's going to happen, you guys! You *still* haven't figured it out??". Yeah dude, because I'm going along for the ride and didn't check out the end!

Okay, at this point I'm assuming that nobody wants to be "that guy" and we're all caught up with the back story. Conclusion time!

So, it turns out the whole hideous situation actually WAS mold! Below are the results for the dirt-like substance pictured in my previous post: 

So I guess that's what a smuts/myxomycetes infestation looks like. Try pronouncing that name three times fast!

Even though the thing was far from pretty, fortunately for the family (but not fortunate for the story teller), the mold isn't a particularly dangerous or harmful or even a rare variety. It's a mild allergen, but it won't like, kill you or anything. Bo-ring. :-/ One fun fact is that myxomycetes aren't technically a fungus but are considered a "slime mold" due to their life cycle patterns (don't ask me to explain the difference, let's consult the NYC Mycological Society!). FASCINATING! #NowYouKnow #KnowledgeIsPower #YoureWelcome

The End.

Feeling the Lurve

This past week I've really been feeling the love at the office! I have experienced, count 'em, three! instances of MG appreciation over the last couple of days. I guess people are finally starting to recognize my awesomeness and are treating me accordingly. Geesh, about time!

I have to make a confession. I have a mega crush on one of my company's lead inspectors. This coworker is a fifty-something year old guy with a rather colorful past. Let's just say he spent five years "on vacation" over at Rikers Island. We shall refer to him as Tony Montana. 

*Le sigh* I've always had a thing for bad boys

This guy truly has a heart of gold. I mean, one time he went to Katz's Delicatessen for lunch and brought me back the second half of his sandwich. Anyone with an once of sense knows it's a big effing deal to willingly share a Katz's pastrami on rye! Anyway, having seen my sorta flourish, sorta dying cactus garden, Tony brought me a new plant for my desk! Not only did he bring me a couple of bamboo stalks from his own garden, he brought a vase and decorative stones as well. Ugh, I just knew my bad boy had a softer side! And what a tasteful eye! 

Just like your struggling bamboo plant, I can nurse your heart back to health too, Tony! <3 

Like last Friday, today featured a pleasant surprise as well. I've mentioned before my coworker who works weekends as a professional baker (Seriously, visit her website! I'm not kidding, her stuff is so effing good, not to mention absolutely gorgeous! My future wedding cake will be made by this lady, no question!). Today I received quite the auspicious phone call at my desk asking if I' was going to be around this afternoon at 3 pm. I'm like, uhhh, yeah...? My coworker's response was a simple, "okay, bye!" followed by the sound of the dial tone. Well! This is what went down at 3 pm:

That would be a chocolate cake with layers of dulce de leche and peanut butter icing, topped with marshmallow meringue icing, chocolate chips, and mini marshmallows :)

Every once in a while she brings in goodies using left over batter and icing from other projects. As someone with a serious sugar addition and no sense of shame (don't laugh, addiction is a disease you guys), I am by far my office's most eager dessert-eater. I take my baked goods very seriously and do not give out the MG seal of approval easily. It therefore really says something when I say that I could never ask for a more awesome coworker :)

And last but not least, this morning I was pleasantly surprised to receive an email from one of our labs asking me to lunch. I've been officially asked out on a business lunch! Woohoo! The lab didn't ask my CEO or my office manager, or even my other coworker who uses them probably as often as I do. Serious VIP over here, and don't you forget it. Here's hoping it's not horribly awkward or whatever. Who am I kidding, I'll be there so of course it'll be painfully awkward! :)  

Awkward turtle

Photo credits: Scarface, http://thatplaceinmyhead.wordpress.com/

A Moldy Mystery

Oh. My. Effing. Gee. What a week. The past few days I have experienced one of the most bizarre inspections of my career as a mold inspector. Let's break it down day by day:

Tuesday

I receive a phone call from a hysterical pregnant woman living in the super chic neighborhood of TriBeCa. Privately I think to myself, here we go again, another psycho rich person with way too much money and time on their hands. It 's difficult understanding her description of the situation, I can't decide over the phone whether she actually has a legitimate mold problem from her strange description. She asks me several times if I can come by that day (I can come, but I'm really not in the mood. And more importantly I'd miss ice cream celebrating somebody's birthday at the office), so I say no hoping she would be calmer the next day. We finish the conversation with her asking, "Is it safe for my family to stay in the house? Or should I bring the kids to my sister's apartment?!?!?". My response, "Ummmmm, do you have another bathroom?... Okay, great. Just use that one... I don't think it's quite necessary for an emergency evacuation at the moment...". Yeah, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow's inspection .

Wednesday

I arrive at the apartment. Of course it's breathtakingly gorgeous and spacious. The resident (also gorgeous) leads me to the bathroom. For the first time ever, I truly empathize with a mold  freak out. The *thing* is just so weird, and for lack of a better word, icky. 

A growth had somehow come through the grout on her bathroom wall and had developed on the slate tile both inside and outside of the shower area. This was a nice apartment and was well maintained. Not your typical situation to find visible mold growth with no known water problem. 

I see the *thing* and reason why she had called my company for a mold inspection. At first glance I quickly come to the conclusion there is no way it can be mold. First of all, it doesn't look like mold. Mold grows and develops in a hundred different ways, colors, shapes, etc. but it usually looks something along of the lines of this: 

Small, ugly, dark, spotty dots. Yay mold!

In addition to appearing dissimilar from mold growth I typically observe, the resident said the *thing* developed FAST. According to her, nothing was visible in the bathroom on Monday, and she had watched the *thing* clearly develop and grow drastically bigger during the day on Tuesday. I have never experienced a situation in which mold grows this quickly. First of all, I RARELY ever even see visible mold growth. And when I do, it's usually because a leak situation was never properly remediated or a bathroom was left neglected. This bizarre material exploded in a matter of hours. Blech! 

Considering the speed of growth as well as the appearance, I think to myself that it has to be a chemical reaction between wet building materials. On rare occasions I've seen plaster bubble as a result of water damage. It looks gross and scary, but is not mold. 

NOT MOLD

In this case, the growth was bright yellow. Plaster is white. And it looked kind of rusty too. There were redish-brown drip stains coming from the growth. Grossly, the resident mentioned that the day prior during the development period, the growth was soaking wet. "You could scoop it up with a spoon". At my investigation, the wall is dry as is the growth.

Day Zero (resident's photo): Bright yellow, wet, icky, growing faster than the US economy

Approximately 24 hours later: lighter yellow, dried out, still icky 

Now here's the real twist in this mystery! As I mentioned, I thought there is no way that this thing could be biological. It just grew wayyy too fast and didn't look right. BUT! As I get all up in it to collect a sample for the lab, I expect the chunk will be light and fairly easy to collect. I think it will come off in the wall in one large foamy section. Nope. Wrong. I learn that the growth is very difficult to remove from the wall. It is extremely dense and is difficult to remove. It comes off only in small chunks. I'm a bit disturbed to realize that the interior is not yellow like the outside. It's brown on the inside. What's more, the sample disintegrates quickly into a grainy substance. It looks like I threw a handful of dirt into a bag. 

HOW DID THAT YELLOW FOAMY THING TURN INTO THIS?!?!?!?! I AM SO CONFUSED!!!

At this point, I kinda freak out a little bit myself. I change my mind and think that it MUST be biological. Why else would it be brown on the inside? And disintegrate like that if it wasn't?? Following the sample collection, I am a bit nauseated myself thinking about whatever I just touched and hoping it wasn't some toxic naturally occurring infestation of anthrax or something. 

The woman's superintendent does not stop exclaiming that he can''t believe I touched it. I was wearing gloves you know! He goes on and on about his days in the army and all of the biological and chemical weapons he had learned about. Not helpful. I am starting to wonder whether I should have put my respirator on the second I stepped foot in the bathroom...

Returning to the office I immediately call our laboratory for sample analysis suggestions. They have no idea what I'm describing over the phone. They say they'll take a look at the material and then decide how to test. Nobody in my office has ever heard of or seen such a thing. So, so effing gross. 

Thursday

The lab calls me. They had performed a simple test to determine whether the sample is biological in nature, so that it can be analyzed by the correct department. It turns out the sample IS biological. Ick. So it is a living organism... Great.

Friday

I eagerly await results this afternoon. I have never been so excited to receive lab results before. Stay tuned...

Photo credits: Dilbert

Mold Girl Appreciation Day

Hello friends! Today marks a momentous occasion, for today is my two year anniversary as a mold inspector! I'm not sure if I should be celebrating or curled up underneath my desk crying hysterically with a bottle of gin. Regardless, I will be accepting any and all gifts in the form of baked goods, Barnes & Noble gift cards, live animals, and/or alcohol. It's the least I deserve after spending countless hours keeping this city safe from the toxic black mold of death! Thank you, I await your congratulatory presents :)

This is my party face

Photo credits: Someecards, Jake's Dog House

Keeping It Real

As I described in my very first post ever!, my job provides my conscience with an internal conflict. Generally speaking, most mold inspections are pointless, people simply do not know how to properly handle a leak situation. The media particularly creates an atmosphere of fear with its focus on the TOXIC BLACK MOLD OF DEATH or whatever. But then again, if people DID understand how to properly handle moisture problems, I'd be out of a job. Conundrum!
Normally real estate management firms foot the bill for my mold inspections, although recently my company's sales manager had unwillingly talked an individual apartment renter into an inspection despite her hesitation to pay for such an expensive service. 

I view my company's sales manager and Randall from Monsters Inc. as basically the same person - very sneaky and calculating. Beware!

Upon arrival at the job, the woman showed me the area in question. I was rather confused as to why I was commissioned to perform an inspection. There had been a one-time leak in the space two years prior, and no signs of water damage were visible. Suddenly the woman broke down in in front of me, explaining that she had recently had a death in the family and now was suddenly responsible for a million new things and didn't know what to do. She asked me point blank if a mold inspection was necessary. 

"Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries"

Like Regina George (hopefully not *too* much like her!), I too am not unfamiliar with mental meltdowns. There have been a handful of times where it's been hard for me to keep my shit together both while at the office and in the field. I felt a strong connection with this woman and had a lot of empathy for her situation. After informing her that a mold inspection did not appear to be necessary and sharing a few easy mold tips, the resident invited me to enjoy tea and cake in her apartment. Instead of performing a lame mold test, we spent a lovely afternoon together talking about the environmental field. :)  

I have never turned down an invitation to a good tea party!

Speaking of Alice in Wonderland and tea parties, I just realized that today is my un-birthday! Is it your un-birthday too?? Oh my gosh, no way! Well I wish us all a very merry un-birthday! :)

Photo credits: Monsters Inc., Alice in Wonderland, Mean Girls